Sometimes, I think of things that I could’ve missed, because I think of things before doing them. Some people have regrets over things that they’ve done without thinking. I don’t know if I should be happy about it, but I can’t relate to them. At all.
I have this habit of thinking things through thoroughly. So thoroughly that I scare myself off with negative possibilities, even if there is only a slight offchance of them happening. I live afraid of the future, even if I don’t really allow the future to happen due to my apprehension.
I was afraid of trying out for foreign service, because I might not be able to build a family (and I wasn’t even in a relationship to begin with). I was afraid of applying for teaching positions for fear of hurting my Father’s feelings, even if I didn’t really know how he felt about it. I used to fear getting into a serious romantic relationship, because I was afraid of getting my stupid heart broken.
As a result, nothing happened. My life was stagnant. Still. Gathering flies. Everyone else was out there, at least trying to fulfill an ideal they called their ‘dream.’ When I seriously thought about it, I lost those dreams. I shot them down by thinking too much. Once they were shot down, there was no need to reach for them. They were dead, buried, even before I gave them a chance. I figured, without dreams, there’s no need to hope. Without hoping or expecting, I won’t get hurt.
It’s true. I didn’t get hurt much, because I didn’t try. The opposite was also true — I wasn’t too happy about myself either. I didn’t want to risk my future, and I tried so hard to change my past. I often think of all the things that I might’ve done wrong. (Did I take the wrong major? Maybe, I should’ve just taken up business like Dad said. Shouldn’t I have gotten my Masters? I should’ve just started working to save up.) I am haunted by all the things I could’ve done and cannot change. I am scared stiff of making another wrong decision, a decision that will lead to another questioning of myself, of the decisions I made.
Rather than doing, I let things go. I hope that through some lucky break, I might get somewhere without having to decide. So far, it’s not working. It might be the time to think about not thinking much. It might be the time to do things without thinking.