Thinking Twice

I’ve been told that if you’ve seriously considered making a drastic change more than twice, then it might be the time to do so. The year that has just passed was full of second thoughts for me, and I couldn’t seem to push past just thinking. Now, I’ve come to a point where I don’t want this new year to be just like the last (or, at least, in terms of the bad parts), and I’ve been feeling this great need to move, not just where I am right now, but somewhere else: forward.

There are certain aspects of my life that I’ve wanted to change for a long time now, but one thing or another has been holding me back. Now that I come to think of it, the past year has been a constant struggle for myself. A constant struggle to reconcile what I think I want with what others want from me. It doesn’t work. At least, most of the time. There is only one way to change things — just doing it. Truth is, there are a lot of things that I am looking forward to change:

I want a job. I want a job that doesn’t make me feel like all the years of hard-earned education have gone to waste. I want a job that involves constant learning. I want a job that allows me to grow. I want a job that reaches others.

I want to see more things. I want to experience beauty in the little things, the big things, the nothings. I want to know how other people think. I want to feel the complexity of hardship and the simplicity of joy and happiness. I want to feel challenged.

I want to be ready for a life of giving. I want to be ready for a forever with the person I love. I want to continue loving and being loved by the people who matter to me now. I want to be able to be even of little help to them. I want to continue to share special moments with them. I want to be with them more. Spend time with them more.

I want to make mistakes. I like how Neil Gaiman put it in his New Year’s wish to everyone a couple of years ago:

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something. So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever.

I’d want to make mistakes now. Not when it’s too late to make them. I might (indirectly) hurt people along the way as a result, but if it’s necessary for me to avoid resentment towards myself and others, then I guess it’s better to deal with it now.Here’s to the New Year.

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